Yeap. Because stopping your pace would have made your depression worse. So you kept going. All that gave you purpose. I have this feeling that among the high-achievers a large degree are highly-functinally depressed individuals because how else can you fight the worthlessness than through achievements?

In my case, I thought for years that I am almost invisible. I had a very weak sense of self (that goes way back in my history and was determined by enmeshment with my mother, not knowing where she ends and I start being).

I had no interest in almost any hobby. I was totally immersed in my job and have advanced quite nicely due to it. But beyond work, it was emptiness.

Once I became a mother, and after a super fucked up first year of struggles and identity issues, I found myself. I finally detached from my mother and started be me. Because I was forced through motherhood. I had to do this because my son’s well-being and chance to thrive depended on me. I had the responsibility to be well.

Once I started the process it felt like a dark cloud that has lived on top of my head for almost my entire life, left me. I was able to breathe for the first time, like an individual. I started becoming more aware of my preferences — likes and dislikes. I started becoming more visible and vocal with my needs — which generated a lot of conflicts with my husband, but now, after two years since I started this process, I look at myself and say that I was highly functionally depressed, because now I am not anymore. I don’t afford being; my son has cured my depression.

I send my love to you, and hopefully one day you’ll find someone you’ll love so much that you won’t be able to be depressed around him / her anymore.