Dear Thomas,

It's painful. I agree. But think about it. Finding or not, she would still have done this. As you describe it, and I don't want to be disrespectful, this was more like a flig, something that your wife would have never pursued any further. Have you ever thought what has led her into that emotional affair? What could have been your role in it? What if she would have been more careful and you wouldn't have found out about their texting? Yeah, now that you know looking back you can see the signs, but what about how you too felt before knowing? Did you enjoy your wife? Did she enjoy you?
Esther's perspective on infidelity is thought-provoking and while betrayal is hurful, there as so many other things we could feel betrayed for, yet we don't manifest as loud as in infidelity. Isn't is still betrayal that the person next to you, your partner, will stop investing any effort in your relationship and just expect you to be a spouse once kids are involved, because you're supposed to keep your family intact? Isn't this as hurtful? I am telling you. It is. But society doesn't give a shit about this kind of pain. So we talk less about it. A woman, or a man, for that matter, risks the status quo because something is not working fine in their relationship. In my case, I told my husband numerous times about how I felt, I asked him to go into couples therapy, I told him that I will get a divorce or that we will eventually get separated, I turned into a good wife to inspire him to give more, but nothing changed. He still treats our relationship transactionally. He still claims that as long as he doesn't complain or criticise, all is well. He doesn't compliment me, he doesn't see the effort I put in our relationship, he doesn't see me as a woman other then when he wants to have sex (which is sex, not making love). So, please excuse me for trying to keep my family together while taking care of my needs and my mental health.
Thomas, I hope this gives you some insight as of where I am coming from.
I am not proud of it. And I am not finding exuses. But infidelity is so much more layered and complex then: she cheated, she's a whore. I hope you are able to see this now from a different angle.

Take care,
Eva.